Out of Egypt:

Grad Students: Or, Why I'll Never Be One

"If something happened to empower [these] people, there would be an incredible efflorescence of culture in this country, because there's more of them now than there ever has been. But they are too busy scuttling around getting shitty jobs." (from the Village Voice)

(Caution: From this point on, I will be introspective and reflective and all that.)

So I'm an English major. Turns out I don't like the academy that much. I don't like academic work that much. Or maybe I'm just burnt out by it, since it's the end of the semester and all.

But in any case, I'm not going to grad school. I'm not teaching in any way shape or form. This article is just confirmation - even from an economic perspective it's not that good a deal.

I want to write - I don't care how, I don't know how. Well, I know how, but I don't know how to get people to pay me for it.

I just want to write something beautiful - something that people could read and say, "How can works like this exist in a world where there is no God?" I think that would be the best apologetic I could offer.

I know literature has been a means of grace in my life before. Tolle lege - take up and read. I want to learn how to minister with words as others' words have ministered to me. That's why I got into this gig. It's certainly not for the chance to write literary criticism, although I think I can do at least a tolerable job at that.

And it's not about journalism either. At best, I see that as a means to an end for me - perhaps I could write for someone else in order to get the recognition to write for myself. But now I feel like I'd be basically a hack in a field where there are so many others who are passionate about their work. Dr. Foreman's journalism class has really changed my attitude in this way. I read the textbook, analyze the media, etc. and I think, "I don't want to do this. I don't want to devote my life to the news." Perhaps I'm still too much the philosopher, but news seems so ephemeral. "There is nothing new under the sun," and all that.

So what do I do with my life? I'm pretty convinced that I'm gifted, but I'm not sure for what. It would be nice if, in the parable of the talents, the master had told his servants where to invest. Is it burying your talents in the ground if you didn't know where to put them?