Out of Egypt:

My "Existentialism": A Philosophy for the 04-05 Semester

Thought this might be an appropriate entry to close out the blog for the summer, before I head to college. I got a wart removed from my finger today and it's still numb so I'm not so hot at typing right now. Oh well, here it is (I actually wrote this a few weeks ago, but didn't post it till now):

My conviction is that the self is essentially unknowable to itself (as Walker Percy said in his obscure book Lost in the Cosmos) - except as mirrored in another. Insight from sociology and theology merge here: Buber's "I-Thou" and the Bible's "Man was not meant to be alone." This is why identity in Christ is so important. "Beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, we are changed day by day into that same glory." The self is known not in contemplation, a retreat into the heart of darkness, but in act. The personnage of which Tournier speaks, that collection of automisms, is thereby mobilized - the person breaks through.

All men, as Pascal wrote in the Pensees, seek happiness, even those who hang themselves. Is it not also true that all seek love, the presence that comes alongside and says "You are not alone?" Man, who gave names to all the animals, is constantly seeking dialogue, seeking another to hear the name that he gives and approve it.

Dialogue is the crucible in which the self is formed. We do our best thinking among others. Even our writing, even in such a distancing medium as blogging, is intended for an audience. It waits for approval.

I have always been in danger of confusing eros with agape. My love is all tinctured with self-interest. Yet perhaps even my romantic love is as much agape as it is eros. Though it begins in the eyes, it can remain there or it will wither. Such love feeds upon itself and so feeds upon illusion.

In my best moments, I do not seek to possess the Other (the mysterious female - the anima?) anymore than I am myself possessed. And this is an attitude perhaps transferable to the Almighty, not like those "God is my boyfriend" songs at all.

I have the treasure of salvation within my heart. I see the Other lacking this treasure and wish to give it away, that we might be united in love - in love of one another, yes, but not without a greater love for the One who first loves us.

The chrysalis that in its nascent beauty already captivates shall then burst and out shall come the butterfly. Then I can only follow. In my best moments, my only desire is to be present at the birth.

I do not know how to accomplish this spiritual midwifery. I shy away, unlike my God. He sought out Israel and wooed her, even as a man seeking a harlot for a bride (Ezekiel, Hosea - this I have learned from the prophets).

His striving Spirit teaches me that love is the allowance of pain. In my best moments, like this one, I am still only a fantasist who cringes from the rejecting word. Until I have learned to accept pain in full measure, I will only be half a self, unknown to myself. The self is known not in contemplation, but in act.

(I hope this was clear, at least to some extent. Names have been left out, to protect the innocent - and the guilty.)

Evan this was good good good. I'm with you all the way. A bit more might be said for the Covenant/Community, or "The Covenant Community" or "relationships" in knowing oneself and knowing God, but its there nonetheless.

Posted by: JosiahQ at August 20, 2004 11:30 AM

Thanks. I wasn't intending exhaustive coverage of the topic, since this was provoked by a specific situation in my own life. I suppose that skews it toward one-on-one encounter, primarily of the male-female kind.

We need to meet again now that I'm back in Chattanooga, btw. Aaron Mesh's party was a bit loud to make someone's acquaintance.

Posted by: Evan Donovan at August 22, 2004 10:26 PM

I've found that self-conscious attempts at self-knowing produces self-centeredness, a hollow existence. Self-forgetting, on the other hand, brings self-fulfillment. Thus, fullness follows after emptiness. For the Christian, that fullness is the fullness of Christ (Eph. 3:19). But you right...self-forgetting must be action, not meditation (Christian, not Buddhist).

When we are most like Christ, then we are most like our true selves.
Question: are we in a state of becoming or have we already become, through Christ?

Have you ever read any C.S. Lewis...Till We Have Faces?
Or his other thoughts on the self?

Posted by: funkefreak at September 5, 2004 12:05 AM

My take: In this life, we are becoming what we already are in Heaven (the already/not yet). We are not called yet by our true names (Rev. 2:17).

C.S. Lewis...now that I've read Of Other Worlds, there's little Lewis I haven't read. Basically just the literary criticism.

Posted by: Evan Donovan at September 7, 2004 3:52 PM