Out of Egypt:

got some rest; added my ICE #'s to my new cellphone; am getting a Dr's appt.

So after getting some good rest today, I'm feeling a lot better. Lord willing, I'll be able to do the things tomorrow that I need to get done.

Anyway, here's my advice for the day: if you don't have ICE (In Case of Emergency) numbers on your cellphone, preferably with the word ICE prefixed with a number (so that they show up at the top of your contact list), I would recommend you do so. I just recently read the unfortunately-named CNN.com Health article If you get hit by a bus tomorrow, which is a good checklist of health and safety things to take care of at all times.

I've been in numerous car accidents, so I've seen emergency response firsthand. And while I'm not going to do all the things listed in the CNN article, at least not yet, I am going to do Steps 1 & 2. (Although I'm not going to print out the ICE emergency contact information and medical information form that they have available, at least not at the moment. A hand-written card will be fine for now.)

So for me, my ICE numbers are Boston's Area C 911 # (617-343-4911) and Bowdoin St. Health Center (my new PCP), which is 617-754-0100. Other good ICE numbers are spouse (or fianc&ecacute;e/significant other), parents, roommates, etc., anyone who you would want to be at the scene quickly, after emergency services was called.

I wasn't able to get an appointment at the Bowdoin St. Health Center presently, since they were already closed for Fri. evening. However, the person who runs their off-hours answering service told me she would pass my message along to them and that, if necessary, I would be able to reach them again as early as 9 am tomorrow. That way, Lord willing, I'll be able to get my various medical issues checked out and get a physical at the same time.

sick, exhausted, and ready for the weekend

I only got two hours of sleep last night, so I won't be coming in to work today. Pray that I will recover quickly. I've been sick for over 2 weeks now, and the start of grad school is only about two weeks away. Of course, that's one of the main causes of my stress.

At least I was able to find an apartment last night.

praise God, I found an apartment!

So I was looking for several weeks for an apartment for the Fall. And now I have one, and it's clean, it's with someone I know (and his roommate), and it's not going to break the bank.

That's one less thing to be concerned about now. I should learn to trust God's provision more, rather than imagining all the worst-case scenarios (i.e., living in my car or the BU library).

private blog back up & running

This is just a note for those of you who know me personally:

I'm starting up the private blog again. PBwiki did an upgrade, so it looks nicer also.

Email me if you'd like to be able to see the new wiki, and I'll send you an invite. I have to figure out the system works first, though. They've changed it completely.

And for the rest of you:

I don't want to be exclusionistic, but sometimes I write things that I don't want to be accessible via Google search, etc. Until I have my own domain (and can use robots.txt, .htpassword, etc.), this is the best way of managing access.

just need to get thru this day...

Got hit with a pretty bad cold at the beginning of this week and my work days have been a struggle. I think it all goes back to when I picked a hair off my tongue last Friday after getting off the T. Those poles sure are dirty. Not sleeping too much last week probably didn't help either.

Anyway, I just need to get through another eight hours of work and then I'll be in the clear. Normally, I don't mind working, but this week has been a challenge.

At least I learned some cool stuff about databases this week.

thankfulness is the sword by which we fight the Enemy

Praise for safe travel and a beautiful wedding for Ben & Charissa.

Praise for a less-stressful workweek and newfound PHP scripting prowess.

Praise for relaxing evenings' entertainments (The Dark Knight, 1/3 of a concert, Shakespeare in the Park).

Praise for this morning's awakening, with renewed energy and willingness to get things done.

Praise for having only $5,600 left to pay for the coming semester at BU.

In this time of transition, I have many concerns, but I know the One who makes my paths straight.

financial anxiety

So I just had to transfer another $100+ out of my savings account, which is now pretty much wiped out. And I'm not even in school yet. And I need to find either a new roommate or a new place to live in the next 6 weeks. Lord, give me strength.

What's really killing me financially, of course, is having to pay for medication out of pocket, then wait weeks for reimbursement (which I haven't received yet). Say what you will about "socialized medicine" but it certainly was better than the fictional health insurance that I'm on now.

My position on issues of government social services spending is different than most people's, I think. I'm not categorically opposed to it; in fact, I think it has an important role to play in preserving a halfway-decent quality of life for those near the bottom of the economic ladder. However, I don't think we should promise people things that we can't afford to pay for. Lowering taxes and increasing government spending: that's the real pipe dream. But it's what we've been doing for decades.

looking for good sushi in boston?

Check out Fuji 1546.

things that annoy me

• When people use "bipolar" to mean moody
• When people use "retarded" to mean obnoxious

must've had caffeine tonight

Fidgety and I know I won't sleep for hours.

in CO, but leaving soon

Other than a bit of guilt at being away from work, I have loved my trip to Funke Colorado. Sand dunes, Punch Bowls, and other natural phenomena lacking in the northeast have made for an ideal holiday.

Sarah is, as usual, the official chronicler of our travels, but I feel I should say something...if only so I wouldn't get even farther behind in the number of blog entries.

dance party tonight in central sq.

I love spontaneously busting a groove under the spiraling lights illuminating Cambridge Town Hall.

Oh, and reading my poetry at CtK was good too :)

true confessions, pt. xlii

Now that I'm getting 1/4 of a box of vegetables weekly from the Food Project, I realize I don't actually know how to eat them :)
~~~~
I am hopelessly addicted to the computer.
~~~~
I like coming up with new creative ideas better than actually carrying them out.

uncertainty in solitude

Cool evening, strong sangria and good conversation. Now I don't know how to pass these hours.

My mood changes at work depending on how much I can accomplish. Tomorrow, since we're getting a new database server, I don't know how much I'll be able to accomplish at all. I don't mind not working, but I don't like not working when I am at work.

two word meme

1. Where is your cell phone? my pocket
2. Where is your significant other? close by
3. Your hair? needs cutting
4. Your mother? in PA
5. Your father? him too
6. Your favorite thing? piano jazz
7. Your dream last night? quickly forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? aged Scotch
9. Your dream/goal? usability guru
10. The room you're in? dining room(?)
11. Your hobby? writing, lettering
12. Your fear? mainly death
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? debt free
14. Where were you last night? Sanctuary volunteering
15. What you're not? morning person
16. Muffins? no thanks
17. One of your wish list items? digital camera
18. Where you grew up? Lancaster County
19. The last thing you did? ate pasta
20. What are you wearing? button-down, corduroy
21. Your TV? is off
22. Your pets? are gone
23. Your computer? Apple PowerBook
24. Your life? busy, good
25. Your mood? cheerful, tired
26. Missing someone? quite possibly
27. Your car? needs cleaning
28. Something you're not wearing? socks, shoes
29. Favorite store? probably McKay's
30. Your summer? is arriving
31. Like someone? of course
32. Your favorite color? Kandinsky's red
33. When is the last time you laughed? hours ago
34. Last time you cried? weeks ago

From Sacra Doctrina.

tooth update #2

So I think that the worst of the pain is gone. Wish I could've gotten all 4 wisdom teeth out, but I think getting the last one done with an oral surgeon will be a better option. Here's hoping this next week will not be a stressful one.

tooth update

So this is an interesting vacation. I came to PA to get my teeth checked out, and have done so. Looks like I'll be spending about $1000 to get a cavity capped and 4 wisdom teeth extracted. At least there's a payment plan...

Anyway, it's about what I expected, though it's certainly not what I would like. I'll just be glad to have the pain done with.

two of the worst weeks of my life?

Ok, so the sources I read tonight would suggest either my left bottom wisdom tooth is impacted, I have a severe cavity needing a root canal, or I have gum disease. Or a combination of the three.

I feel so stupid for not seeking dental treatment sooner. So what that I don't have insurance? A thousand dollars seems like a small price to pay for this pain to stop.

The earliest appointment I could get was May 5th. If things stay like they are now, this is going to be the longest two weeks of my life.

singing hymns = good small group

Instead of doing the usual questions tonight, we broke out the Trinity Hymnal (the red one) and had a good old-fashioned hymnsing. No Indelible Grace, no CCM reworkings, just the originals. Who needs questions when the hymns have all the answers?

getting old?

Weekday nights staying up past 12 seems too long.

Had to stay up tonight after volunteering at Sanctuary for 4 hours in order to prepare the handouts for tomorrow's Drupal training. I like my work, but I like to leave it at work. Ah well, just one minute of music listening and I'm out.

eclipse party everyone

So last night Sarah and the Kaufmanns called me up asking if they could watch the eclipse from my back porch. Naturally, I agreed, though I usually don't go out there till spring. I played "The Killing Moon" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and 3/4 of us drank tea. It was a good time - enough to tide me over till 2010, I think. Definitely better than waiting to watch the timelapse photography of the eclipse on YouTube.

anyone know a good web hosting provider?

Sometime in the next month I'd like to bring my domain live. That would be fun, and a chance to get some Drupal installation experience.

The only thing that won't be fun: working with MySQL statements. The people who created that software didn't care about usability at all.

it's gray outside, but i am happy

I've finished both my professional and volunteer resumés, and have applied to Sanctuary. If they want someone with more visual arts experience, or if they've gotten everyone they need by now, that's OK. There are plenty more Christian volunteer opportunities where that came from. I'm glad that I've finally used ChristianVolunteering.org, instead of simply promoting it.

Listening to "Waterloo Sunset" by the Kinks, from Sarah's Valentine's mix & "Bros" by Panda Bear. Immersed in otherworldly sound.

finally ordered a book from the library

Now I can see how this could become a habit. I search the catalog for a few minutes, find what I want, and a few days later it comes in to the branch of my choosing. Perhaps I will start reading novels again. Francine Prose is a good start, anyway.

is this healthful?

I finally went to the grocery store with a list today. This, I think, saved me money, and it also has given me a chance for self-assessment. Below, for those who care about such things, is a list of the foods that I typically buy and enjoy; I'm wondering whether it's "good for me" enough and, if not, where I could stand to improve.

(Unrelatedly, I also revised my resume this afternoon, and am pretty happy with the results. Now I just need to get a volunteer resume written and I'll be ready to see if Sanctuary wants me.)

Regulars:

    * bread
    * fruit (apples, peaches, bananas)
    * vegetables (lettuce, carrots, tomatoes)
    * potatoes

Breakfast:

    * eggs
    * cereal
    * soymilk
    * bagels
    * cream cheese
    * Granola:
          - oats
          - brown sugar
          - honey
          - raisins
          - almonds

Lunch:

    * lunchmeat
    * sliced cheese
    * yogurt

Supper:

    * pork or lamb
    * "Swiss Steak":
          - beef pot roast
          - stewed tomatoes
          - diced tomatoes
          - onions
          - garlic (as desired)
    * soup
    * Thai or Indian sauces
    * Annie's mac & cheese
    * pasta
    * pasta sauce
    * frozen vegetables

Snacks:

    * chips (vegetable or potato or tortilla)
    * salsa or french onion dip
    * cottage cheese
    * baguettes or other bread things
    * block cheese (brie, cheddar, swiss)
    * crackers
    * ice cream (occasionally)

briefness of lucidity

I feel like my dreams lately have been becoming more significant. At least I've been remembering them better. Also, I find myself caught up abruptly by flashes of memory - snapshots of my past, usually of nature, that for some reason I have treasured. They have sustained me for years, I think, like a secret fire. In some ways, this urban life oppresses me. I'm still into forests and farmland at heart.

Last night I dreamt (what a funny word!) that something disastrous was about to happen, but that no one knew what it was. We all were in a grassy space, some kind of small enclosure, like a courtyard. I looked up to the sky to see something falling. I thought it was a meteor at first, and I was afraid that its impact would kill me. In fact, it was a playground ball - completely harmless.

That falling ball was the first of many. They collected on the ground - always near someone, but not in equal numbers. Some had few; some had many. Some had only regular balls; others had blow-up chairs or something similar. A thought came to my mind: "This isn't right - we should all have an equal number." But when I tried to play the equalizer, things did not go well; my attempts at leveling ended up destroying what little order there was.

This much I remember, and then I woke up.

not to leave you all hanging...

(If there's any of you left, that is. I feel my blog has become a bit more insular lately, like a sparrow on the housetop or a pelican of the wilderness.)

...but I got the magazine article done last Thursday morning. I do all my best writing right after I get out of the shower. I rode that needle-jet buzz for two hours and turned out, not 2000, but at least a respectable 1500 words for Church and Worship Technology magazine's March issues. And they asked me to write two more articles, for April and May. I should probably start researching them soon - that way they can be a little more lengthy, if not necessarily masterpieces of prose style. Most of the writing in their magazine is pretty dry, anyway, so I should fit right in.

(By the way, if anyone ever wants to know about the social part of my life, you can just check out Sarah's blog. She does a good job of keeping people updated. Must be a holdover from her mass-emailing days.)

evening realization

From the Bible we learn that love keeps no record of wrongs. Today, I have realized that it also keeps no record of rights. If you are keeping track of the good works you have done for others, in the hopes that they will reward you, then you are not serving out of the freedom of love.

renewal

I felt that I ought to say something at the beginning of a new week in thankfulness that I no longer feel the anxiety that I felt on Friday about my finances. Turns out that the guy whose fence I ran into is a musician as well as a bus driver, and we had some good times jamming on Saturday evening. Plus, I've reconciled myself now to the expense and recognize that it's a blessing that I even have the extra money necessary to pay it. When I put my situation in perspective, I realize just how much cause for thankfulness, and how little for ingratitude, that I have. In this life we will have troubles, but in Christ we overcome the world.

listening to "brazil" and thinking back on the week

Despite my theological acumen, today still proved to be a rather discouraging day. Or, more accurately, I was discouraged already going into it, and that made it hard to get through. Anyway, I'm glad it's over with now.

Strange how in just a few days you can go from not expecting a large sum of money to viewing it as your entitlement, from being happy at a gift to being depressed at your expenses, which will, at the worst, bring you back to where you were before the gift was given.

I hope I never have to stand in Job's shoes. Experience indicates that I would be more willing to "curse God and die" than he was.

back -

to work, to the 'Net, to life. Fastest trip up in a while - I'll have to try that route again.

Sitting at the kitchen table drinking the green tea Annie gave me from Super 88. It's a good way to end the day, and begin the year.

I still have lots of New Year's plans, but I'm not posting any of them online. You'll have to come talk to me if you want to know any of them. That way you can hold me accountable :)

Oh, and if you haven't yet, download "The Trees Were Mistaken" from last.fm. It's a bit electronic for Andrew Bird. I like it.

this has been a good vacation

Though I wish I had seen more people, I think that I needed the sleep that I got. And now I'm eager to get back to work - I can already tell there's much to be done.

I've made several significant plans for the New Year. I won't call them resolutions, because resolutions are made to be broken. Calling them "plans" takes the weight off a little bit, because you can change your plans without feeling like you've broken a promise. By God's grace, I hope that 2008 will be even better than 2007.

Looking back on 2007, I can see that God has blessed me in many ways: He brought me together with Sarah; He brought the after-school program, which was stressing me out tremendously, to a successful conclusion; He opened up a place for me at TechMission; He has continued to draw the members of our church closer together.

In the past few days I have felt some anxiety about the future: Will I be able to exercise the discipline necessary to get on a better sleep schedule? Will I get my grad school application in on time, and will it be approved? Will TechMission's efforts to run City Vision College be a success? Will I be able to find a job that pays sufficiently for me to be a part-time student at BU?

In the midst of these questions, two things give me comfort - my past and God's promise. I look back on how God has brought me through much greater tests of faith - such as my time at the after-school program - and recognize that He has been faithful. But even that would not be sufficient were it not for my knowledge of His unchanging character. I rest not on the subjectivity of my experience, which can be distorted in memory by the Devil, but on God's promise in His Word: "Do not fear, little flock. It is the Father's pleasure to give you the Kingdom." I know that my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory. I do not seek to know the future, but to discern His will. As I obey Him, I know I will continue to find that Word true which has been my comfort ever since I first came up to Boston in fall of 2006: "You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance" (Ps. 66:12).

an ideal Sunday, except for (or maybe because of?) the weather

Church at the Sondreggers', then 2 hours of shoveling. That's a pleasant burning in my arms. Makes me think of "Let It Snow," though "Let It Freezing Rain" would be more like it currently.

~~~

"Messiah" last night was seriously fun, though I would've gladly exchanged "His yoke is easy" for "And He shall purify." "But thanks be to God" is another of my favorites, but I hear it's difficult. Couldn't be more difficult than the "Amen" though.

~~~

Would anyone be willing to read Saved from Sacrifice? I find the book to be amazingly helpful, though I certainly don't agree with it in every detail, or believe it to be a complete theology of the Cross. I'd like to find someone with whom I can discuss the book and maybe figure out how to incorporate Heim's insights into a more traditional (substitutionary) understanding of the atonement.

aloud to myself

I mumble a lot at work. It's surprisingly stress-relieving, though it probably freaks other people out at times.

~~~

I was just thinking that, being Reformed, I know a disproportionately large number of Dutch people.

~~~

The Weather Channel used to be boring, like video wallpaper. Lately they've tried to make it a destination station, with thrilling weather documentaries, etc.

I miss the old Weather Channel; it was good for use in jokes and similes. My dad misses it too; it was good for getting the weather.

~~~

I don't know why my dad watches the weather so much. He hardly goes outside.

~~~

Well, now you know what my inner monologue is like. Now, wasn't that exciting? :)

now the day is over

Three long walks in the snow, two gift exchanges, and one ice-cold foot later, I'm back in my apartment, and glad to be here. Also glad that tomorrow is Friday. Also glad that I have no obligations for Friday evening, and can just go sledding or something. I'd take a walk in the woods, but, unfortunately, such pleasures are not as convenient now that I live in the city.

REM on a rainy day reminds me...

...how much I miss high-school cross-country,
how much I miss a simpler life in which I all to do was run - 
physical exertion substituting for mental, 
fellowship easy between equals.

And now I see the walls of difference
that have separated others from my simple joy.
And I regret, and I am confused.

all i want for christmas is...

...a camera. This blog has been textual for long enough. I'm starting to get jealous.

now all that's left is the partying

Three hours, two presents, one ham, and some fried plantains later, I'm ready for the inconveniently-adjacent Christmas parties to which I'll be going tomorrow. Apparently my coworkers and small group-mates decided to do the exact same thing on the exact same day.

Thus, the rush this evening, with my back sore to begin with. Is it the stress of helping set up an online college before January 1st or is it the strain of carrying the surprisingly-heavy folding machine down to my coworker's car? Or is it perhaps both?

In the end, I suppose it doesn't really matter which. Strange as it may sound, I feel like I have to lie down for a bit before I can sleep. I think I deserve it.

strange...

...How when you don't have a lot of money to save, saving money seems all so important.

Lord, free me from the burden of caring to possess.

as regards today's events

Sarah has the full story of what we did. I'll only add the following:

Hull is really beautiful. If I had a million dollars, I would be sorely tempted to move there.

The main thing that distracted me during the performance of Annie Get Your Gun was how quiet some of the male supporting actors were when saying their lines and even singing. You gotta project. All in all, though, an incredible production.

Also, Hull High School's music facilities are awesome. And I am reconfirmed in my opposition to No Child Left Behind.

The evening's panel was great. But I still don't know who "evangelicals" are, or if I would want to be one. I fear that we have elevated cultural practices over doctrine, and thus rendered American Christianity incomprehensible to the Church at large. I fear we have substituted the offense of our lifestyle for the offense of the Cross. I may post a summary of the panel discussion on UrbanMinistry.org this coming Monday.

And finally, hecklers are cowards. And I'm proud not to be a sex-mad frat boy.

looking to volunteer? check out ChristianVolunteering.org this holiday season

In the past few years, I have increasingly felt that the Lord is calling me to give of my time in volunteering. Since I don't have much money, sharing my talents with others is really the best way for me to make an impact.

Looking for a volunteer opportunity is a lot like looking for a date - it's hard to know what's out there, and so it can be tempting to simply keep on doing what you are(n't) doing. But now that I work for TechMission, I have no excuse.

A simple search on our Christian volunteer matching website, ChristianVolunteering.org shows that there are over 150 volunteer opportunities within driving range of where I live, in Dorchester.

We're now entering the holiday season, and volunteering is big. ChristianVolunteering lists the major categories of volunteering - Salvation Army, shelters, soup kitchens, and the like - but it also has some more long-term opportunities. As for myself, I'm thinking I might give Starlight Ministries a try, although I do feel the pull back into after-school programs.

this is a low

Extreme tiredness, wishing I were in PA with Sarah. Things to take care of first - I've been slacking with my notecard system lately. Need to download some Getting Things Done software.

back...

Conference was good, but tiring, as I expected. Sometime it would be nice to actually be able to take a break on the breaks.

I feel more in tune to the purposes of God with regard to the unfinished task of world evangelization now. "I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; They shall never hold their peace day or night. You who make mention of the LORD, do not keep silent, and give Him no rest till He establishes and till He makes Jerusalem a praise in the earth." (Is. 62:6-7)

I bought the textbooks for Perspectives. Will probably take it in January at Park Street, if I can afford it.

Went home afterward, slept for 14 hours.

tired, but hanging in there

This has been a long week. Not a bad week (well, Monday was a bit frustrating), just a long one. I would love to just relax this weekend, but instead I'm attending this conference. I'll enjoy talking to people about TechMission, and all our January internship opportunities, but I'll probably still be wishing I was at home in bed.

Ah well - the little stub of a workweek prior to Thanksgiving promises to be more low-key. I hope.

i had a soft-boiled egg for breakfast this morning

First time. It was great, and completely an accident - just like many of the good things in life.

Here's hoping that sets the tone for the day.

loneliness and its cure

Today was one of the longest days of work in a long time. The hours just seemed to drag, especially after the sun set at 5. Though most of us were in the office, I still felt strangely alone.

At times like these I must remember that in my loneliness, I am meant to bring companionship to others. Instead of retreating into myself and sleeping the evening away, as I did, I should go out of my way to exercise hospitality toward those who feel more lonely than I can understand. When we share out of our poverty, we find that God gives to us immeasurably more in return (Matt. 14:13-21).

if you want a friend in Boston, get a dog

City-dwellers (myself included) are a notoriously unsociable bunch. You could walk around the neighborhood for days without hearing a hello. But bring a dog with you, and suddenly you're not only being greeted by everyone you meet, but you're part of a whole dog-walking subculture. It almost makes the hair and mess worthwhile.

Though people may never ask your name, at least they always learn your dog's.

on envy and the love of God

Human love, so-called, rarely goes above envy - for what is envy but a look on another with desire to possess? Covetousness is of possessions, but envy is of our natural gifts.

How deep-seated is the vice of pride, our nature incurvatus in se. Whenever I hear another speaking, there is a "second voice" within my head - a narrative about my own goodness, my own virtues, my own accomplishments, my own preferences and dislikes. Whenever I look outward, even with pleasure, I am tempted to turn the world back in upon myself, to turn the Other into myself (or else to destroy the Other as my dialectical opposite), to close the covers on the need for change, to feed the vacuole of want that lies at the core of my being (cf. Walker Percy, The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need).

True friendship, as Aristotle portrays it, is an almost supernatural virtue. True friendship delights in the Friend for what the Friend is, not for what one desires from the Friend. As I realized while listening to Matt Brown perform one night, true friendship is enjoying the concert, not wishing one was on-stage.

This is so hard for me, particularly when it comes to the areas in which I believe I have some expertise. I write because I enjoy writing, yes; I write to process experience and to share my thoughts with others; but I also write out of pride - a desire to prove that I am the best writer I know. This is my true confession.

But to whom am I trying to prove myself? To others? Their praise will never satisfy me? To myself? I will never rest content; the bar will always go up higher.

To God? He knows the truth; His mind will not change. He is perfect, and unmoved by envy. Even a Hunter S. Thompson rocket-blast of defiance will not shake the Lord when He is determined to do good to His people. As it our greatest delight to give Him glory, so it is His delight to give us what we need, to make us free worshippers of Him. Perichoresis is the end, that God would be all in all.

For great as is Aristotle's definition of love, the love of God is greater still. As Luther said in the Heidelberg Disputation, "The love of God does not find, but creates, that which is pleasing to it. The love of man comes into being through that which is pleasing to it."

God does not love the lovely; God does not give strength to the strong. He takes no delight in the legs of a man, but on those who wait for His mercy. He pours contempt on princes; He stands above the circle of the world and we are as grasshoppers to Him. He hides Himself from the proud, but draws near to the meek and lowly in heart.

Nietzsche is your only enemy, O Christ: there are but two paths of virtue. There is the virtue that the strong keep for themselves, and that which the strongest gives freely to the weak. While we were still sinners, You died for us, so we might lay down our lives for the brethren.

"Command what You will, O Lord," as Augustine said. "Command what You will, but give what You command." You are not far off from any of us; You are only as far as our pride has placed us. You are the Singer and I am the Song. You strike, but only to heal; You cast us down, but only to lift up. You have let fire and water pass over our heads, but You have brought us to a place of abundance.

"I long to find a settled place, while others go and come. No more a stranger or a guest, but like a child at home." Let me welcome others as You have welcomed me; let me forgiven as I have been forgiven. He who has been forgiven little, loves little; he who has been forgiven much loves much. You have not spared Your own Son, O Father, how will You not give us all things?

Righteous Father, the world has not known You - I have not known You. I forget You every day - in my self-absorption, in my sloth, in my envy, in my pride. In my neglect of the needs of others, in my quickness to speak, quickness to get anger, quickness to defend myself from sin. Yet as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "Whoever knows the cross no longer shies away from any other truth." My justification is the end to my self-justification. My justification frees me to do justice to others.

O Lord, who gives life to the dead and calls the things that are not as though they were (Rom. 4:17), may Your free gift of forgiveness lead us to look on others freely. May we do for them as we wish would be done unto us: When we are slighted, let us go not to plot, but to pray. When we are cursed, let us bless; when we are wronged, let us do good. When we feel forgotten, let us remember that in You we possess all things. We are sons and daughters of the living God; when we take up Your Cross, the world will look and see we are all Your people. You have ascended on high, O Christ, and given us of Your gifts, each according to their station, each according to Your plan. Let us find such delight in Your sweet unity that we can be at home in the diversity of Your Body. Let us leave our longing to possess at the foot of Your saving Cross. In Christ's name, Amen.

saying less, enjoying myself more

My blog has gotten really serious lately, probably because it's been a good outlet for me processing some heavy stuff. And I have ideas which would lead me to continue this trend. But I just decided that I will refrain. Arguing has at times been beneficial, at least at clarifying my thought, but sometimes it's simply alienated people.

I don't want to be an angry social justice person any more than I want to be an angry Christian conservative, or an angry Christian Reconstructionist. Though my views may be different than people on the "other side," I am forced to admit that often my attitude is the same. There is still the same temptation to arrogance, to make the argument personal, to make being right crucial to my identity.

And yet I know that Christ's rightness, His justification, makes all my efforts to establish my rightness not only prideful, but unnecessary. Pray that I might learn to rejoice in silence, as one who possesses the Word.

memories of my earliest experiences in missions

Driving down to West Virginia
Through sharp valleys in the summer's green;
The fellowship of youth was free
And I can hear the singing:
"This is the one thing, the one thing that I know."

I just got Jars of Clay's self-titled album - finally, after having loved the album for over 9 years. It's both convicting and encouraging to hear CCM that is sung with sincerity.